Jimmy Kimmel with a rundown of Trump's first day in his criminal trial in Manhattan, and on how the press would have reacted if it was "sleepy" Joe Biden rather than Trump that fell asleep in court.
KIMMEL: All eyes, or at least both of my eyes were on Lower Manhattan today, where the first criminal trial against Donald Trump is officially underway. It's very crazy that on the Monday after O .J. dies, the Donald Trump trial begins. It is almost like that's how it had to be. Like, they couldn't exist simultaneously.
The trial began at 10 a .m. with the court clerk announcing the people of the state of New York versus Donald J. Trump, followed by 15 minutes of thunderous applause.
There is a, um, you know, there's a gag order on Trump. He's not allowed to make inflammatory statements about witnesses, families of the court staff, or the case itself. So, of course, on his way into the courtroom this morning, Felonious Monk immediately violated that order.
TRUMP: This is political persecution. This a persecution like never before. And nobody's ever seen anything like it. And again, it's the cases that should have never been brought. It's an assault on America. And that's why I'm very proud to be here. This is an assault on our country.
KIMMEL: He's proud to be there for the assault on our country. He's proud to be at his trial for paying off a porn star. Who wouldn't be proud of that? Gosh, I only wish his parents were alive to see it, God bless their souls.
One thing he is right about is when he says there's never been anything like this, because Donald Trump is the first former for a U .S. president to be tried for paying hush money to an adult film star who said his penis is shaped like a mushroom. Lincoln never did that.
The trial is expected to last six weeks or until the courtroom sketch artist runs out of orange, whichever comes first. Because it's a criminal trial, Trump's required to be in court every day, four days a week from 9:30 to 4:30, for six weeks, he has to sit quietly the whole time. That alone is going to drive him insane. It's like making an 8-year-old go to six weeks of church.
So, of course, he's trying every way he can to get out of it. His son, Barron, is graduating high school on May 17th. He asked the judge to excuse him so he could go that. And even though the Judge hasn't ruled on it yet, Trump is already whining about it as if he did.
TRUMP: As you know, my son has graduated from high school, and it looks like the judge will not let me go through the graduation of my son who's worked very, very hard. He's a great student... who was looking forward for years to have a graduation with his mother and father there. It looks like the judge isn't going to allow me to escape the scam. It's a scam trial.
KIMMEL: Yeah, it's criminal trial, he doesn't seem to understand. This scammer judge won't even let me go to graduation for the son who was four months old when I cheated on his mother with the porn star I'm accused of paying off.
Unfortunately, the trial isn't televised but there are reporters in the courtroom, including Maggie Haberman of the New York Times, who who let us in on this little gem. "Trump appears to be sleeping. His head keeps dropping down and his mouth goes slack." Followed by "Trump has apparently jolted back awake, noticing the notes his lawyer passed him several minutes ago."
If Biden is "Sleepy Joe," I guess that makes you "Dozo the Clown." I mean, can you imagine... imagine if Joe Biden had fell asleep in the court on the first day of his trial. Trump would be calling him "comatose Joe" and Fox News would be talking about this until Christmas, but not old Donny Napleseed.
Multiple reports said Trump's head drooped until his chin hit his chest, which maybe he was just following the price of his Truth Social stock, but either way, it's nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump.
Today was devoted to jury selection. They started with a pool of 500 jurors. They brought in the first 96 and right off the bat, half of them said they couldn't be fair and impartial, and so they were dismissed.
And so then they asked those who were left if any of them had read any of Trump's books, and none of them had. See, that's why this needs to be televised, so we can see the look on his face when a bunch of people announce they never read any of his books. So no jurors were chosen today.
Trump says that he intends to testify in the case. Which means he will absolutely not testify in the case. If convicted, he could face four years in prison. Which is perfect. As soon as he gets out, he can run again! You know, we could do this all over.
